Oakleys on a Pineapple
by Adele365
Summary: In which Renji goes in search of sunglasses, and much goes wrong. Bleach/whatever we can think of crossover. Will eventually be too many to specify. Some cursing. Lots of Renji bashing. Abandoned unless I someday feel like updating.
1. In Which there is a Pineapple

Oakleys on a Pineapple

(Or, Renji's search for new sunglasses)

Ch.1

**A/N:** This is a joint mangling of Bleach and whatever else we can think of by me and a close friend. It's based of of my/our (for now) only other story, The DEATH of Sunglasses, but we decided to restart it for a longer story. We intend to throw in characters from whatever stories we can think of, from Anime to Harry Potter to little known books, TV, whatever we want. If someone gets all of the references, we should give you a prize. Like, for being as big of a geek as the two of us put together... That would be impressive. For now, though, it's just getting started.

Disclaimer: I only own half of this story, and none of Bleach (or anything else we decide to throw in.)

Warning: Renji bashing. LOTS of Renji bashing...

* * *

After having his sunglasses destroyed in battles with his now close friend Ichigo, Renji decided to try for a new pair. Not knowing where to get sunglasses in the real world, and hoping to guilt-trip him into paying for them, Renji took a trip to Ichigo's home.

"What do you want, Pineapple? Are there Hollows or something?" Ichigo answered the door, apparently in a bad mood.

"Naw, I just need your help with a top-secret mission."

"I'm not three years old Renji, what the hell do you want?"

"You know how you broke my sunglasses, and then my backup pair, all within a couple of weeks?"

"You mean when I was beating the shit out of you? Twice? Yeah, I remember. Why?"

"I was hoping you could help me find a new pair. Where do you buy sunglasses around here? Like, the mall or something?"

"Why the HELL are you asking me to go shopping with YOU? Ask Matsumoto. She LIKES shopping."

At the mention of her name, Matsumoto popped through Ichigo's ceiling, grinning like a madwoman and displacing his light fixture once again...

"GOD DAMMIT! You're paying for that! I had to pay to fix my ceiling last time, out of my pocket money. I mean, it's not like I can tell my dad, "Yeah, some random Shinigami burst through my ceiling on a whim, because she thinks it's cute..." Ichigo ground his teeth, and then remembered what he had been doing. "And as for you, Renji, NO, I will not go shopping with you. Especially not for sunglasses. You looked like crap in sunglasses. Get a freakin' bandana!"

Renji sighed, then turned to leave, only to be called back so he could help Matsumoto, who was stuck in the ceiling. He was tempted to leave her there, but he really did want someone to help him look for sunglasses.

"Okay, let's go. You don't mind shopping, right?"

"For sunglasses? For you?" The busty blonde tried to restrain her laughter, and failed. "You look HORRIBLE in sunglasses! Never!"

Veins popping on his forehead, Renji gave up on his so-called friends, and headed off to the mall by himself.

* * *

As soon as the redhead left the room, Ichigo and Matsumoto both got out their phones. "It's for his own good," she said. "Yeah, and for ours." replied Ichigo. "He really has horrible taste; he looked like an idiot with the sunglasses. Why does he even want to wear them?"

"It's an 11th division reject thing. Have you noticed Iba's? I think they formed a club or something... I know I've seen them running around with other male lieutenants, wearing towels and sunglasses. It's actually pretty cute."

"Oh, the 'Shinigami Men's Association?' I've seen them. Kira and Hisagi can actually pull off the sunglasses thing, though. Renji... can't."

The pair then proceeded to text certain parties, spreading the word of warning to what equated of the entirety of Soul Society (thanks to Matsumoto having everyone except Yamamoto on speed dial). Little did they know, however, that Soul Society intervention would not be necessary.

* * *

Later that evening, at Ichigo's house:

"Hey Matsumoto!"

"Yes, Ichigo?"

"What does Renji look like in sunglasses?"

"Crap."

"No, it's a joke, you're supposed to say, 'I don't know, what?"

"Oh. Ok. So what does he look like?"

"Like THIS!" Ichigo held his creation out. It was a pineapple, spray painted red. On the pineapple were a pair of shiny black Oakleys with chrome accents.

"Ooh, funny! Renji doesn't have your taste in sunglasses, though. Sadly..." Then a cunning look passed over Matsumoto's face, as the blonde Shinigami concocted her great and devious master plan (which, unfortunately, didn't involve cheese...)

When Renji got back to Urahara's shop, where he was freeloading once again, he decided to check his Facebook page. As he opened the site, veins in his forehead began to pop. "Dammit! Matsumoto got my password again!" Where his profile picture used to be was a photo of a red pineapple with sunglasses on. "I do NOT look like a pineapple!" Then he looked again. "Those are pretty cool sunglasses, though. Maybe I should get a pair like that..."

* * *

**A/N:** I have decided that I will never actually say who the guest characters are during their chapter. At the beginning of the next chapter, I'll tell you. I will assume you know Bleach characters.

(credit for the cheese comment goes to Moczo, from their story Uninvited Guests)


	2. In Which there is a Giant, and a Midget

Disclaimer: This is a joint story with a friend, but we own none of the characters stolen here. especially bleach.

A/N: And the fun begins... This chapter's guests should be pretty easy...

* * *

As Ichigo and Matsumoto spread the warning about Renji getting new sunglasses, the unexpected solution to their problem was falling from the sky...

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! WHAAT THE HELLLLL? WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"I DON'T KNOW, NII-SAN! IT WASN'T MEEEEEE!"

* * *

Renji walked out of the "Sunglass Hut," trying unsuccessfully to hide the small box in his hands. Emblazoned on the side of the box was a large letter "O." Renji couldn't be happier. "Oakley! Now that's classy. I spent all of my money for the month, but who cares? They're Oakleys!" Renji walked to a side alley, preparing to put on his new sunglasses, when he heard unidentified screaming from high above him. Looking up, he dropped the box at once. Not only were there two people falling from the sky, they didn't have enough reiatsu to fly, nor did they have parachutes. Essentially, they were UFSOs (Unidentified Flying, Screaming Objects).

Popping a Soul Candy Pill, Renji jumped up to catch them. He immediately noticed something was off, however. One of them was normal enough, if tiny, but the other, huge, person was... not there. He could tell there was a soul, but could that huge suit of armor really be a gigai? He had no time to worry about it, though. He also lacked the intelligence to think and walk at the same time, but that is a different story. He decided to catch the human first, then figure out the quandary of the body that wasn't a body (note: Renji doesn't actually know what the word "quandary" means). They dropped quickly, and Renji was only able to catch the little one ("HEY! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BEAN SIZED SUPER-MIDGET!") before he saw the midget's ("HEY! I AM NOT AMIDGET YOU GODDAMNED PINEAPPLE!") companion crash into the ground. Right on top of the brand new Oakleys. Renji's heart stopped.

Reaching the ground, he fell to his knees. Whatever the big guy was, he was huge and heavy, and the glasses were pulverized. Shards of "unbreakable lenses plastic" were everywhere, and leaning over, he picked up a bent metal "O."

The short, blonde boy regained his senses first.

"Oi! Where the fuck are we?"

...

"Oi! Can you hear me? ARE WE IN AMESTRIS?"

...

"Oi! Are you deaf or something, pineapple-head-man?

...

Renji's heart started again.

"Shut up, this is all your fault, short-- ack!" Renji's angry comment was cut off as blue lightning flashed, and suddenly the shorty was holding a spear to his throat. It was a human spear. It had no reiatsu to speak of, but there was a hole in the ground next to the boy.

"What. Did. You. Just. Call. Me....!"

"Oh no! Nii-san, you can't just attack him! He saved us!" Renji was shocked to hear such a young voice come from such a huge, armored body.

"Oy, how come your gigai's so weird? And why did you just show up and break my new sunglasses? I spent a month's wages on those, and all the thanks I get is a spear?" As he said these words, Renji reached out and casually snapped said spear, as the armored boy looked crestfallen.

"I broke something? Let me fix it, we're Alchemists! What's broken?"

"Alche-whats? Whatever, they're beyond repair. It's okay."

"Oh, I see them! Here!" The armored boy started rummaging in his loincloth. Renji sweatdropped, and looked away, but that wasn't the end. Using the chalk he had just pulled out, the boy drew a perfect circle, then some other shapes and strange writing. He touched the circle, and Renji watched in amazement as the sunglasses repaired themselves, becoming perfect again.

"No way!" said the short blonde teen, who suddenly somehow seemed older, though still tiny. "Those are dumb! Here, Lemme fix them!"

Renji was expecting more chalk, but instead the teen just clapped his hands, then touched one finger to his sunglasses. Then he ran away, followed by his brother. "Nii-San! That was mean!" "No! It was awesome. They look so much better now!" "Then why are you running away?"

Ignoring their argument, Renji turned to see what they were talking about. Where his brand new Oakleys had been before being destroyed, repaired, and "fixed", were the most hideous things he had ever seen. He supposed they might have been sunglasses, but where his sleek, classy cool Oakleys had been, there now sat... something. Bat wings sprang from the sides, the frames were spiky and hideous, and the nosepiece was dominated by a grinning skull. The colors, originally a shiny black with chrome accents, had changed to a dull grey with black and red. How the boy had done it, Renji wasn't sure. He did know one thing, however. Even he had better taste than that.

For a full five minutes, he froze. Then, with vein-popping, frozen cold rage worthy of Captain Hitsugaya, he turned to where the boys had been. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY SUNGLASSES?" But the boys were long gone. A brick wall had also mysteriously appered next to Renji in order to prevent him from pursuing them. In his mourning, Renji forgot that he just could have charged through the wall like the eleventh-division-reject he was.

Renji cried for a few more minutes, then gave up. He handed the mangled and deformed sunglasses to Jinta on his way through Urahara Shoten, sighing as he stepped through the Senkaimon. There always had to be something, didn't there?

Poor Renji had no idea how right he was...

* * *

OMAKE:

Ururu: Jinta, where did you get your new sunglasses from...?

Jinta: Ha! Like I'll ever tell you!

Ururu: Aww...

Tessai: He got them from Abarai.

Jinta: Tessai...Why did you have to tell her...?

Urahara: Now remember kids, no whining.

Jinta: But-

Urahara: No whining!

Jinta: Bu-

Urahara: No whining!

Jinta: B-

Urahara: No whining!

Jinta: -

Urahara: No whining!

Jinta: Fine!

Yoruichi: Meow

* * *

**A/N:** Don't expect all of our updates to be this quick. We had both Ch.1 and Ch.2 written before adding the story. Plus finals are coming up. AARGH! If anyone has suggestions for what characters we should have ruin Renji's life, please review! We might add them to our idea list, which is already pretty long.


	3. In Which there are Flower Petals

Oakleys on a Pineapple, Ch.3- In Which There are flower petals.

A/N:Sorry, short chapter, this is mainly filler.

In case you couldn't guess, the 'guests' last chapter were Ed and Al from FMA.

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah... Still not the owner of Bleach.

* * *

After giving his mangled sunglasses to Jinta on his way back to Soul Society, Renji was fairly depressed. Not only had he been laughed at by his friends and humiliated by a freaking midget (at this point, Renji could have sworn he heard cussing from far away...), but he had spent a month's wages on his new sunglasses, only to have them turn into a freak show! He supposed he should be wondering what the hell those kids had been doing, but he was too depressed to think. Just because he was considered too smart for the eleventh division, didn't mean he was ready for the twelfth (he wasn't evil or insane enough, either).

As he walked past the seventh division's barracks, Iba walked out to meet him. "Hey Renji, did you buy new sunglasses yet? You know, until you do, we can't let you back in the club!"

Renji's already gloomy face darkened further. "Yeah, I bought them..."

"So, where are they? Give them up for inspection!" At this point, Kira and Hisagi seemed to pop out of thin air, wearing not much other than towels and sunglasses.

"Erm... It's kind of a long story. But I don't have them anymore." Renji then proceeded to explain the events of the previous day, while trying to ignore his friends, who were rolling on the ground, laughing. Their hilarity grew so loud, eventually other shinigami gathered to hear the joke. After listening for a while, Ikkaku and Yumichika separated themselves from the crowd.

"So Renji," began Ikkaku, "You really had trouble from a human midget? And a wall? Seriously, man, you should have just _listened to your instincts_. Or head-butted the wall. Or both."

Yumichika sweatdropped. Even for Ikkaku, that was pretty bad. "No, Renji, you were right to give up. I just hope you did it _beautifully._"

Now, it was Renji's turn to sweatdrop. He wasn't even sure how to reply to that...

* * *

_Later, in the 6th Division office_

"Renji."

"Yes, Captain?"

"I hear you tried to buy new sunglasses."

"Yes... why?"

"I forbid it. It is a disgrace to the division, and therefore also to the Great House of Kuchiki."

"Me wearing sunglasses is?"

"Yes. You will cease in your attempts to buy sunglasses."

"Or what?" Renji was getting slightly annoyed.

Apparently, Byakuya was, as well.

"Shire, Senbonzakura."

From far away, Renji's screams could be heard as he promised never to do it again. If Byakuya had been a bit more thorough in his trouncing, he would have noticed that Renji's fingers were firmly crossed...


	4. In Which there is an Otaku

In Which there is an Otaku, and the Fourth Wall is cracked.

A/N: this chapter is dumb. I admit it. So no flaming it for it's stupidity. In case you haven't realized, this entire story is nothing but crack humor.

Disclaimer: Until I really DO own something, I will continue to own nothing.

* * *

Renji was back in the real world. After being mocked and thwarted in Karakura town and Soul Society, he decided to take his search for sunglasses to a larger city. He was on his way back to Urahara Shoten, but decided to take a walk to enjoy his new shades. They were the same pair he had been trying for, and finally he had them. Nothing could stop him this time.

As he walked along, Renji realized that he hadn't paid attention to where he was, because when he looked around, he noticed that he was in a VERY expensive neighborhood. Around him were the types of homes and shops he supposed Kuchiki-taichou had grown up around, but the strangest thing was the TV crew in the street, complete with weather machines and a director's chair, which had a bossy-looking girl in a yellow dress occupying it. Every few seconds, she would yell out at her "actors," a group of strange *shudder* bishounen *shudder* wearing some sort of school uniform.

"Honey-sempai! You aren't being mean enough!" she suddenly screamed. Renji looked over, amused and confused, and saw that she had been shouting in the direction of a tall, tough looking high schooler, and his companion, who looked like an elementary schooler but was wearing the same uniform. He was holding a large stuffed bunny, and sobbing. Renji thought that the tall man, apparently called "Honey-sempai," had already been mean enough. Then, the tiny one looked up. "I'm sorry, Renge-chan, it's just not in me! I can't be mean anymore!"

Renji, realizing what was going on, snickered. The girl looked over, then screamed again. She yanked off his sunglasses and squealed, "RENJI-SAMAAAA!"

'WHAT THE FUCK? Renji-SAMA? What is going on here? And how did she know his name?' Renji's confusion swiftly grew, until he was standing in the street, gaping like a fish at the yellow thing that had glomped him.

"I know it's you, Renji-sama from Bleach!" the girl squealed, apparently trying not to faint. Renji checked, but he wasn't releasing any reiatsu, so she must be passing out on her own. He then delivered an intelligent and witty response, in the great rhetorical style of the Eleventh Division.

"...Huh?"

A tall, dark haired boy with glasses came over, and tried to clear the situation up. "I'm sorry, sir. Renge here is our resident otaku. If she's bothering you, I will try to make her stop. She's a bit much once she gets going, though."

"Ota-what?"

"Otaku. You must look similar to a character from a game or something. I do, and she thinks she's engaged to me. It's rather aggravating, and to be honest, I'm glad to see her pounce on someone else for a change."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks for explaining. I'm gonna... leave now...?" Renji attempted to back away from the obviously insane party when suddenly, roses bloomed around him and the air filled with sparkles. Another boy, this one blond, came... prancing... up. there really wasn't another word for what he was doing.

"Oh my, a peasant! Haruhi! One of your brethren has become lost in our world of wealth! Oh, sir peasant, are you starving? do you need clothes and food? I have some ramen, I know you peasants like that!" He then sparkled again as flower petals flew through the air. Wondering where the spontaneous flora (of course he didn't phrase it this way) had come from, he suddenly shuddered, looking for Kuchiki-taichou or his reiatsu. But no, the petals were coming from the blonde boy. Did all rich people have this power? Or was god trying to play tricks on him? Whaaat? Renji ran away from the strange group, and didn't stop running until he fell down a flight of stairs and his gigai was knocked out.

Renji awoke back at Urahara Shoten, with a worried Rukia and an amused Urahara staring down at him. "What happened? I was dreaming in shojo technicolor and I got attacked by something called an "otaku."

"Gomen, Abarai-san! I accidentally sent you to the wrong real world. I'm not sure how, but I am rather interested in what you found there. Otaku? Hmm..." Urahara's apology was slightly dampened by the fact that at first, he was trying not to laugh, and at the end, had dissolved into muttered musings about "fourth walls" and alternate universes. Renji accepted this, at least he was back, and decided with a shrug to ignore it. All's well that ends well, he supposed, though he would be having nightmares about rich high schoolers and flower petals for a while.

It was only when he returned to Soul Society that he realized: His sunglasses had been stolen by the crazy girl. He sweatdropped, then faceplanted on to the ground right in front of Byakuya. Who told him in an even flatter voice than usual, that he had betrayed his captain's orders and tried to get sunglasses again. Byakuya then proceeded to give Renji even more reasons to have nightmares about flower petals, but Renji was so depressed about the glasses and losing another month's pay that he didn't even care anymore...

* * *

A/N: sorry if they're sort of OOC. I don't read as much shojo. Fear the Flower Petals!


	5. In which there are Peepers

In Which there are peepers

(or "The inter-universal Ecchi Society)

**A/N**: I promise I'll have more serious characters soon. This chapter's more fluff. It does explain Renji's jaunt to another universe, though.

Last chapter: Renge, Tamaki & Co. from Ouran HS Host Club!

Tons of thanks to **StrictlySomething**, my one reviewer! You make me feel special. I wish more people would review, though. *hint, hint*

Disclaimer: Neither I nor my partner in crime (fanfic username Urza's Avenger) have ever owned any of these characters. We never will. Sadly.

* * *

After having the crap beat out of him, yet again, by his Captain, Renji was beginning to be discouraged. As the flaming hothead he was, however, he refused to give up. If going to the normal places was foiled, he would get his sunglasses through... other means. There were people out there who could get ANYTHING, for ANYONE.

This rather odd train of thought ended with Renji hiding out in one of the seedier parts of Tokyo, in a bar called the "twin peaks." When Renji had asked Urahara where the black market dealers hung out, the former captain had looked amused, and given Renji an address. He was starting to get uncomfortable, however. When skimpily clad girls began dancing on the stage, and there were no other men looking to sell things, Renji finally realized that he had been played... again.

Just as the pineapple was trying to sneak out of the bar (a difficult prospect, considering the 8 inch red geyser of hair sticking up), he was hailed by an all-too familiar voice.

"Hey, Renji-san. What are you doing here? I didn't know you liked this kind of place. Come on, have some sake with me. I won't tell Byakuya if you don't tell my sweet Nanao-chan!" Renji turned around in horror. Behind him sat the pink-clad captain of the eighth division, with the oddest group of people he had ever seen. Renji immediately recognized Ichigo, and was about to shout in surprise when his mouth opened, and Kon's voice came out.

"Renji! No! He doesn't know I'm here in his body and he NEVER will! Please, if they find out, my beloved Nee-san will never see me again! I will be killed, my pill crushed, and Ichigo will get a real Ginkongan, and it might even be Chappy!" As anime tears poured down the Mod-Soul's face, Renji thought about it, and realized how much he hated Chappy the soul pill. Having one in Rukia was bad enough.

"Fine. I won't tell. Now why are you here? This place is for perverts!"

"Hey, I'm not a pervert! It's just a healthy interest!" The speaker was one of the strangest men he had ever seen. He was older, with tear marks down his cheeks and a huge mane of white hair. He wore a forehead protector, with lumps like horns sticking out.

"That's right, Jiraya-san. Keep telling yourself that." Kyoraku gave a soft chuckle. "So young..."

Suddenly Renji heard another chuckle, coming from the white-haired man's companion. Looking closer, this one also had white hair, though that was almost all he could see. Under the spiky hair was another forehead protector, doubling as an eyepatch, with a stylized leaf on the metal plate. Renji tried to see more of the man, but most of his face was hidden by a small book with the title "Icha Icha Paradise." What Renji could see around the book was black, as his fave was covered by a black mask. He could tell that this one was younger, even with the grayish-white hair, and the one visible eye was narrowed in a smile.

The fifth member of the group was another high-school student. He had medium length black hair, with a widow's peak. It was held back a little bit by a red hairband, and he wore a green uniform jacket, tan slacks and a silver wolf necklace. He was unsuccessfully trying to hide a large camera on the seat next to him. He gave Renji a wolfish grin, giving off an oddly animalistic vibe just below the surface.

Behind the rest of the group, there were still two more members. The first one was (Renji was scared to see this in a living human) the same size as Zaraki Taicho. He was wearing a jacket that looked two sizes too small, and was very tan. As if he had never stepped inside a building before during his life. His hair was an off-white color, and Renji couldn't tell if that was the natural color, or the man had just not bathed in several years. He smelled like he hadn't.

Renji almost missed the final member of the group, who was standing nearly behind the unwashed giant of a man. It looked like a young redheaded boy. Renji was surprised. The kid couldn't have been more than ten years old. He was also wearing a dark green suit (where the hell do you find a green suit in Japan?). Renji gave the small kid a curious look.

The oversized man saw Renji's confusion, and decided to give an explanation.

"Negi here is just an honorary member. He doesn't actually believe in the religion of Ecchi, but he has the innate ability to cause ecchi moments to happen while he is around. Thus, we hold on to him. That will be 10,000 yen for the explanation."

"WHAT THE HELL!"

After Renji had had a look at all the group's members, a huge sweatdrop appeared on the back of Renji's head. "What is this, Kyoraku-taichou? What are all of you doing here?"

"Well, Renji-san, this is the Inter-Universal Ecchi Society. We meet up about once a year, and this time it's here. Usually we take turns on whose world we go to."

"Inter-What-i-versal What-huh? Whose world? What? There's only one human world, then Soul Society, right?"

"Oh, Renji-san. You visited another world yourself not too long ago. I believe you told Urahara-san something about shojo technicolor. The reason he sent you here is because he had the universe gate open for my friends."

"Umm..." Renji's poor brain was on overload. That hadn't just been a bad dream after all? As he started to sway in confusion, he apparently gave up. Tendrils of smoke escaped his ears. He sat down heavily with the group, and Kyoraku happily poured him a cup of sake.

Hours later, Renji and Kyoraku stumbled out of the bar, leaning on each other for support and stumbling off. Kyoraku's friends had left a while ago, but the two shinigami were older than the humans (humans? he wasn't sure about all of them, actually.) , and could hold consereably more booze. Renji stumbled through Urahara's door, Kyoraku riding him piggy-back, the old captain having fallen asleep a while ago. Urahara helped the two out of their gigais, then sent them through the gate. "Oh, Renji-san! Did you find the sunglasses you wanted?" the shopkeeper called as the drunken lieutenant walked away.

"Whaa? Sunglasses? No thaks, I doesnnt haves a hangover yet. Iss not brigh' yet..."

Urahara smirked. His plan had worked perfectly, and once again, the pineapple went home (mostly) empty handed. Renji may not have known it, but it was for his own good. there were only so many times one could survive the wrath of Byakuya, and his wrath at the intoxication of his lieutenant, especially since Kyoraku was involved, would be considerably less than his wrath if he knew Renji had been out buying sunglasses again. Yes, it was for his own good... Right...

* * *

Omake:

"Okay Guys! Where should we meet next year? The Inter-Universal Ecchi Society needs a schedule! I've never had this much fun!" Kon's voice was too much for the older, drunken men, but his fellow high-schooler was equally excited.

"Let's go to my place next! I'm from a shojo, no, scratch that, a pure-ecchi, almost hentai shojo! The only one with more panty shots than me is little Negi over there. And he doesn't really try, not like me. Youkai Gakuen's the best! Damn... you should see this little succubus we've got. Hang on, I've got a picture!"

Pulling out a wad of photos, Morioka Gin made a friend for life. Kon swung by the clinic for his plushie, then disappeared with the werewolf.

Back in Karakura, Ichigo searched the streets for a while, then gave up, only to find the lion plushie a week later on his bed, holding a stack of photos and spurting blood from his nose. Every few seconds, a name would pass his lips.

"Moka-san... Yukari-chan... So cute! Kurumu-chan's valleys of the gods...aah!" another huge spurt escaped the plushie as he said this. Ichigo, however, had no mercy. Picking up the plushie, he threw him through the window, to land in the mud below, full of glass shards and soaked in mud and blood (plushie blood. stuffing? Oh hell, it's a fanfic. Kon has blood).

"Goddamn Hentai! Go live with Lisa!"

* * *

Please read and review!


	6. In Which there are drugs, or timetravel

Chapter 6: In Which there is Time Travel... Or drugs.

**A/N:** Yeah... So that last chapter was yet another bit of weirdness. The membership of the Inter-Universal Ecchi Society is as follows: Bleach- Kyoraku and Kon, Naruto- Jiraya and Kakashi, Rosario+Vampire- Morioka Ginei, Negima- Negi and... somebody. I don't actually read Negima, my co-author wrote that part. I'll ask him. Or if you know, review and let me know. I'm not really willing to read Negima unless I get a lot more bored than I am now. (Like how bored I was when I read Rosario. That was a... unique... experience, one that I do not recommend unless you should _be_ a member of the IUES...)

**PS: **Some characters from this next chapter are Anime-exclusive (I won't say which anime yet, of course!), though there is a manga for the story. The scene is also adapted from a real scene in the anime. (which, like Bleach, I do not own! duh.)

* * *

Renji was scarred, both figuratively and literally. His latest beating from his taichou had been accented by wallops from Nanao-fukutaichou's rather heavy book. What the hell was up with that book, anyway? Was it, like, her zanpakuto or something? Whatever it was, Renji still had a headache. It was Kyoraku-taichou's fault, anyways. Renji wasn't the one who had go them both drunk. Or was he? He was still kind of fuzzy on that, and the lumps on his head weren't helping his hangover any. Then he stopped feeling sorry for himself, and looked around confusedly.

The last thing Renji remembered was the fourth division. But now, somehow, he was standing on a dirt road in what looked to be old Japan. Had he been thrown back in time, or just given way too many drugs? Or both? But a small, cheerful cry suddenly made Renji stop caring.

* * *

"Ken-chan! Ken-chan!" The voice of a little girl, gleefully screaming for "Ken-chan," had Renji's survival instincts on high alert. He hid behind a barrel, looking around cautiously for Yachiru and her giant, battle-frenzied companion. Instead, he felt a bit of a prat, as the little girl and her companion came into view.

It was NOT Yachiru and Kenpachi, but an amusingly similar sight.

Walking down the street was a swordsman in a pink and white kimono, with a tiny girl-child hanging from his shoulder as a second, slightly older girl walked next to him. Rather than a scarred, insane giant, however, the swordsman was short, with long red hair tied back in a ponytail. Unlike Renji's, this man's ponytail did not stick up, but rather fell down to the center of his back. As the girls clung to him, giggling, he laughed, tickling them until the smaller fell off his shoulder, catching herself and swinging from his hair.

"Orororororooo!" The swordsman let out a ridiculous sound of surprise and pain. He reached back and caught the toddler, swinging her off of his hair and back into her arms, then suddenly set her down, his eyes narrowing at the same time as Renji tensed himself. As the man turned, Renji saw a pronounced red scar on his cheek, in the shape of a large X.

Stalking down the street was a small group of what Renji assumed were policemen. Like the red-haired swordsman, they carried swords, though their swords, and their clothing, was western style rather than Japanese.

"So, you dare to wear a sword in this Meiji era? In front of us sword-bearing policemen? Ha, what a fool this little boy is!" The leader of the group pulled out his sword, pointing it at the older girl-child. "You will pay for your insolence, you damned samurai wannabe! The little girls can watch you bleed!"

Suddenly, the very air changed. The swordsman narrowed his eyes, and his face hardened. "Please let these girls be, if you will." It was not a question, despite the polite phrasing. It was an order. Renji could tell just from the face and voice that this man had killed before. The leader of the police group, apparently, was not so smart.

"Ken-nii-san! What's wrong?" The tiny girl tugged on the swordsman's pants. He looked down, and his face softened immediately. He looked to the older girl.

"Take your sister away from here, if you will."

As the girls ran, Renji decided he liked this red-haired swordsman, and came out of the shadows to help. He figured, since this was obviously a dream, the people here would be able to see him. As it was, he guessed right (though they could really only see him because Urahara had given him a gigai - little did Renji know that it wasn't a dream, but yet another prank). He adjusted the sunglasses on his forehead (yet more proof in his mind that it had to be a dream), and walked to the center of the street next to the other redhead.

"Yo, want some help with these fools?" Renji believed that the swordsman could handle himself, but there were about six of his opponents, and all looked like they were just itching to draw their sabres and attack.

The shorter man looked at Renji, as if evaluating him, then nodded. "I would appreciate it, if you will. I have to take care of Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan, that I do."

"So what are you waiting for? Take them home!"

"I thank you, that I do. If you wish, come see me at the Kamiya dojo, that you can." With that, the swordsman turned and carried the children, now subdued and scared, away. Renji turned back to the police group.

"Ha! You think you can stand a chance against us, veterans of Satsuma?" Renji's response was to draw Zabimaru.

"I will stand against anyone who threatens hum- i mean children. You're as bad as a hollow! Unforgivable! You won't stand a chance against ME!" Renji held Zabimaru in the ready stance, and the policemen grinned as one.

"Self-defense established. Go!" They all drew their swords at once, and rushed at Renji, who wanted to laugh at their pathetic attack. He had fought low-level hollows with more skill than this! He deflected their blows easily, and moved to attack, but was soon (though still too late) stopped by the scarred samurai he had stepped in to help.

"Defeat them, you can, but they don't need to die. Try to kill them, and I will stop you too, that I will." The man's eyes were not angry, but determined. Renji saw no reason to kill the now unconscious policemen, and put down his sword with a grin, shrugging. All of the policemen behind the other man fell to the ground, having been whacked by Zabimaru's hilt. Not one of them had touched his blade, as evidenced by the scene's utter lack of blood.

"I don't like to kill humans anyway. It goes against my principles as a shin- I mean samurai." Renji decided that revealing the fact that he was a Shinigami might not be a good idea, because he was starting to think that this might not be a dream after all. Unless Unohana had given him some heavy drugs, Renji didn't have the brains or imagination to think this stuff up himself.

"You carry a sword in the Meiji era, but do not kill? You are like me, that you are. I am a Rurouni, a wanderer. For now, I stay here. Do you have a place to stay?" The scarred man looked at the policemen, impressed despite himself.

"Um... No. I am... not from around here." Renji didn't know how much he could safely say, since he was apparently in the human world, in a different time. Or stoned. He still wasn't quite sure which.

"Oh no, your strange headpiece is broken, that it is." The Rurouni picked up Renji's sunglasses, which had fallen off during his brief fight with the policemen and been stepped on.

"Oh, shit. Not again! WHY DOES GOD HATE MEEE!" One redheaded samurai screamed to the heavens in frustration, while the other looked on, amused and confused.

"Oro?"

The pair walked away, not noticing the whispers spreading like ripples behind them. "What? He's as good as the Battousai! Just like when Kenshin-san fought the sword police before, not one died!"

"It's the police's fault, anyway. They must have been new. I hear they all have orders to leave Kenshin-san alone..."

As Renji walked, he exercised his brain more than he ever had, trying to figure out what had just happened. He recognized the name Battousai, but only from a history book he had read while posing at Ichigo's school. He hadn't read enough to make this up, though, so he finally eliminated the drug-induced dream idea. He must have been the butt of one of Urahara's jokes again, or perhaps a guinea pig for some kind of time travel device. Now the only problem was, how to get home?

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Urahara snickered evilly, telling an irate Byakuya that, no, he had no clue where his fukutaichou was, but no, he didn't think Renji was buying sunglasses again, and yes, he was sure. Finally, the stoic captain left, losing all of his trademark composure and running like hell when he heard Yoruichi's voice from the front of the shop...

* * *

A/N: Kukuku... Time travel is just too much fun. This is going to take more than one chapter... Please review!


	7. In Which there is Stabbing

A/N: So, the last chapter seems to have thrown you guys for a ringer, so I'll tell you now, even though Renji isn't finished there.

This is from Rurouni Kenshin, a manga/anime from the 1990's. The manga is incredible, but the anime is pretty old-school and weird. The characters are Kenshin (the hero) and a couple of little girls that are anime-only. More Kenshin characters to follow in this chapter, then I'll be done and heading somewhere else.

Hooray for my second reviewer, **EspeonSilverfire2**! And as always, thanks to **StrictlySomething**! You guys are the reason I keep going. That and my demented excuse for a brain.

* * *

Aaannd...back to the story now. I still don't own anything.

* * *

After walking away with his new friend Kenshin, Renji began to take the time to wonder where he was. After looking, but seeing no recognizable landmarks, he decided to swallow his manly pride, and just ask.

"So... Where is this?"

"Hmm?" his companion replied, looking slightly confused. "We are in Tokyo, so we are."

"Tokyo? Weird. It looks nothing like itself... wait. What year is it?"

"It is the twelfth year of the Meiji era, so it is. 1880 by western calendars."

"18...80? How the fuck?" Renji spluttered in confusion. "URAHARA! DAMN YOU!" As this was the second time the new man had started screaming nonsense to the heavens, Kenshin decided to just take it in stride, and hope he would stop eventually. So, as Renji coughed, screamed and railed, Kenshin just kept walking along, enjoying the nice day and ignoring the strange looks of passers-by. Eventually, as they approached the Kamiya dojo, Renji's screams had turned into mutters, and he began to once more take an interest in his surroundings.

"So, where is this?"

"This is the Kamiya dojo, so it is. My home, and that of my wife and son."

"Wait, you're married? How old are you, sixteen?"

"I'm thirty." Kenshin seemed used to these questions, since he did indeed look much younger than he actually was. It hadn't been as bad during the Bakumatsu, since he actually had been a teenager, but it was starting to get old. "I age slowly."

"Oh, okay. I get it, I'm older than I look, too." Renji was quite a bit older than he looked, considering he was about 150. But he wouldn't tell Kenshin that. So he dropped the question of age, and looked around with interest as they entered the dojo.

"Kaoru, I'm home!" At Kenshin's call, a pretty girl of about twenty came out of the back, holding a miniature clone of Kenshin in her arms. "Hello, Kenji! How are you?" As he tried to tickle his son, baby 'Kenji' reached out his hand, grabbed his father's hair, and yanked. Hard. "Ororoo! That hurts, so it does!"

"Kenji! Stop that!" Suddenly, Kaoru looked up and saw that her husband had brought a friend home. "And who is this?"

"Strangely, I got attacked by a group of sword-police while playing with Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan in the market today. Renji here helped me out, so he did." Renji noticed that in private, the polite but strange endings were more of an afterthought, probably just for his benefit.

"I thought they all knew not to bother you! Where have they been, in a box for the past few years? That's ridiculous! I'm going to talk to Saito about this..." Kaoru went off in a rant, setting Kenji down and going to the back, to return minutes later in fighting clothes, with a bokken in her hands.

"Kaoru-san, you don't have to do that. The police weren't much trouble, and I would hate to get you and your husband in trouble," protested Renji. 'Ha, take that, Rukia! I can be tactful!' he thought smugly.

But Renji's tact wouldn't matter in the long run, for suddenly he felt a wave of killing intent, as a large hole appeared in the dojo wall.

"Oh, hello Saito. We were just talking about you." Kenshin and Kaoru looked surprisingly nonchalant about the chunk taken out of their dojo, as a tall, slightly evil looking man climbed through it, followed by a rather ridiculous looking broom-headed man with about six katanas on his person.

"You attacked the police? I thought Battousai was gone, but now I want a rematch!" The tall one said, looking through his odd, antennae-like bangs at Kenshin with a death glare.

"Umm... actually, that was me," said Renji. He didn't want to bother Kenshin more than he already had, and besides, this guy looked like he might put up a good fight. (Renji was, after all, still an 11th division member at heart, and he really was bored at this point.)

"Huh. You don't look like much. Let me talk to Battousai." Renji didn't appreciate getting brushed off like this, so he drew his katana and dared the man to say that again. 'Saito' looked over with renewed interest, when he was interrupted by Kenshin's rather pissed-off wife.

"NOT IN MY HOUSE! If you are going to fight, take it outside. You have already stabbed another chunk out of my wall, and I'm tired of rebuilding every time you come over. So fight, fine. But NOT HERE!" This unexpected outburst led to yet another unexpected thing, as Saito turned to her, looking a bit sheepish.

"Yeah, sorry about that. It has been a while since I felt Kenshin's fighting spirit, so I was kind of excited. Plus, he knocked out all those policemen, so he must be feeling better." Saito wasn't really sorry, but Kaoru could be a scary woman when she wanted to.

'She reminds me of Rukia,' Renji shuddered as the thought crossed his mind. Then he spoke up again. "Actually, knocking out the police was me, too. And I don't think Kenshin wants to fight, but I'm game! Wanna go?"

Saito looked over at him. "You probably aren't worth my time, but I am bored. Tell you what, I'll fight you if you beat Chou first. I don't want to waste my effort with weaklings."

Now, Renji was reminded of Zaraki-Taichou, and he grinned. "Fine, whatever. You warm up while I beat your lackey, be with you in a few." If there was anything Renji liked after all his time in Soul Society, it was a good pre-fight banter. Plus, the broom-headed lackey was starting to get pissed. 'This'll be fun!'

"You impudent pineapple!" Yep, he had definitely pissed off the lackey. "I, Chou the katana collector, will beat the living shit out of you! I am NOT a lackey!" Renji's response was to unsheathe Zabimaru. He couldn't release him here, but Renji was a good enough swordsman that he wouldn't need shikai against a human.

* * *

(insert, short, rather pathetic battle here)

* * *

After about five minutes, 'Chou the katana collector' was laying in the corner, bruised and unconscious. Renji gave a feral grin and turned to Saito, who gave a slight smirk and put out his cigarette. He then drew his own katana, and held it in a unique pose. "Gatotsu!" Saito yelled, and charged with an impressive stabbing attack. He was still nothing to an arrancar, though, and Renji blocked the sword's tip with his own. "What the-?" Saito muttered. "This guy's as fast as Battousai when he's pissed. This might be more fun than I expected."

"Stop talking and fight," Renji grinned as he taunted the taller man. "I'm not gonna go easy!"

After a rather longer battle, the two swordsmen were breathing heavily. Both were bleeding from small wounds, and they finally decided to call a draw. Renji was impressed. It seemed that all the man could do was stab, but he was VERY good at stabbing. Renji could have beat him easily, of course, but not in a gigai. As it was, it had been fun. He looked over at their spectators. Kaoru was openly gaping, having never seen anyone who could take Saito except for Kenshin. Kenshin was more subtle, but also impressed. His eyes had changed from those of a happy, silly civilian to those of a professional swordsman, and he had one eyebrow raised.

"I see how you could knock out the police that easily now, so I do." Kenshin said, coming over two the two combatants with glassed of cold tea. "That was impressive, it was."

Saito merely looked at Renji steadily. "Impressive though you may be, the fact remains that swords are illegal in this Meiji era. Battousai has an exception, but you do not. Leave the katana at home."

"Don't worry. I won't be staying long." This revelation surprised Kenshin.

"Where will you go? You are far from home, you say."

"Yeah, but it's about time to head back. I probably won't see you again, though maybe I'll look you up later." 120 years later, that is. If this Kenshin didn't end up as a Shinigami, Renji would be surprised. "Bye now." And, deciding he didn't care what they thought anymore, Renji shucked his gigai.

That led to more problems, however. Kaoru did the expected, running over and exclaiming at the apparently dead body. Kenshin and Saito, however, were looking straight at Renji.

"What the hell?" Kenshin did not curse very often, but even he had to admit that this was surprising. "Why are you not in your body?"

"Umm... I'm a shinigami. Yeah. Bye!" And, not being very good at explanations, Renji drew Zabimaru, stuck him into the thin air, and opened the gate to Soul Society. He wasn't running away. Of course he wasn't. He did need to get home, though.

* * *

**A/N**: okay, that's it for Kenshin world. For now. Being in the past creates paradoxes, though, so there may be a return. And now, he's off to past-Soul Society! Until next time. I'm still in finals, but I'll try to keep updating. I'll be done with school on Friday, anyway.

By the way, as for battle scenes, I don't intend to spend much time on them. They aren't that important, and I don't really want to write them with detail.

(PS if you need a manga to read, Rurouni Kenshin is one of my favorites, and it's finished as of, like, 1999. It's on OneManga.)


	8. In which is a little gay Bankai

**A/N: **As promised, adventures in the past of Soul Society! I own nothing, and the last chapter was more Rurouni Kenshin... Still thanks to my wonderful reviewers!

* * *

"_Umm... . I'm a shinigami. yeah. Bye!"_

As Renji opened the Senkaimon and prepared to head to soul society, he looked back. Seeing Saito trying to stab him again, he sped up and ran through the gate. Which turned out to be a good thing, since the next time he looked back, the cleaner was trying to eat him.

Renji sped through the gate at the other end, realizing belatedly that something must have been different, since the gate opened about 100 metres in the air. Either that, or Urahara had done something again. Yeah, that was more likely. Goddamned hat-wearing bastard...

Ten seconds later, Renji's private wishes for revenge were fulfilled, as he landed squarely on the head of said hat-wearing bastard.

"Fucker! Send me back before I kick your ass!" As Renji realized who he had landed on, past-Urahara was treated to a continuation of his unpleasant surprise as the seemingly random person on his head began to beat the shit out of him.

"Um, excuse me? I'm afraid I don't know what you are talking about, Abarai-san?"

"You sent me baack in time you fucking- wait. How do you know my name? I'm from 120 years in the future."

"Well, I'm not sure. I'm afflicted with selective omnipotency. It's a rather rare mental disorder, but I've found it quite useful."

"Selecta-what now?"

"I see, Abarai-san. You must be from the 11th division. That blank look tells me all I need to know!"

Renji mumbled incoherently.

"I'm sorry, Abarai-san? I didn't quite catch that."

"I got kicked out of the 11th, okay? Jeez."

"OUT OF THE WAY, YOU STUPID PINEAPPLE BALDY!" Renji looked around in shock, only to catch a glimpse of blonde pigtails, then a sandal in his face.

"Wait, she's a... What the HELL? What's a Vizard doing here?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING NAMES, ASSHOLE?" was Hiyori's explosive reply.

"Umm, nobody?" Said Renji, meekly. This girl was seriously scary. "Nobody at all, ma'am."

"Hello, Hiyori-san! What do you need?" Urahara's bright reply to the girl took Renji by surprise. Urahara knew her?

"Goddamned Mayuri is trying to boss me again! Explain to him who's the Lieutenant, and who is the Third Seat. AGAIN! Or I'm going to make you pay me more."

"Hai, hai. I'll get right on it." Renji didn't even want to know what Urahara, a Vizard, and Mayuri were like in a division together, and so he decided to run for it. Whether Urahara was the only one who ould send him home, or not, Renji did not care at this point. So he left, his feet taking him automatically where he would have normally gone.

* * *

The mansion was a large one, a sprawling complex crawling with servants, and when a Shinigami came to the door asking for Kuchiki-Taichou, they let him right in. Leading him to Byakuya's office, they respectfully knocked on the door, and waited for the aristocratic captain to grant him entrance. Finally, Renji walked into Byakuya's office, realized where he was, sweat-dropped, and passed out.

The black faded slowly to light, and Renji saw the sky above him. "You! Lowly Shinigami, how dare you interrupt my grandfather! Your insolence knows no bounds!" Renji thought he must have been dreaming the tine jump, because that voice definitely belonged to HIS Kuchiki-taichou. 'Thank god,' the thought to himself, and rolled over in his bed. Wait, bed? He was lying on grass. How was he on grass? Had Matsumoto played another prank on him again? She had been going slightly crazy recently, and it wouldn't be the first time a Captain or Lieutenant had found her in their futon. Before Gin had turned traitor and left, it happened to him about once a week... Oh well.

"Get up, trash. You interrupted my meeting with Grandfather, and I want to know why!"

Wait. This couldn't be HIS Kuchiki-taichou, because HIS Kuchiki-taichou had a monotone. This person most definitely did NOT have a monotone. In fact, if Renji turned to look at him... yup. There it was. A big fat vein popping out of the kid's forehead. Renji gaped; this was what Byakuya was like a a kid? What a brat! It was at this point that the benefits of time-travel: REVENGE!

"You need to shut up, brat. The difference in out power is like that of a dog howling at the moon. You cannot hope to overcome the difference in our power," Renji said, in a deep and impressive tone. The little Byakuya just stared.

"That was such a dumb line, I don't even know how to answer it. Are you, like, gay or something?" Renji tried, unsuccessfully, to stifle his laughter.

"No, but I've always wondered if you were. So tell me, are you?" Little Byakuya turned, and started whispering to himself.

"Gee, thanks mister! Now I can beat the shit out of you, and maybe get back at that cat-bitch, too!" The 'gee thanks mister' would have been funny, if Byakuya hadn't had a look of murderous, dark glee on his face.

"Huh?" Renji was still confused, and , at this point, more than a little scared. "What are you talking about?"

"Senbonzakura doesn't like you. So he's loaning me Bankai. Said something about never having liked you, and how he would help me if I promised to castrate you."

"Oh, shit. Senbonzakura must also have selecta-something disorder! Bankai! Hihio Zabimaru!"

"You ain't got nothin, punk!" yelled Byakuya, leaving Renji still more bewildered.

"Why are you so damned OOC? This is ridiculous! I never thought I'd miss the monotone." This caused Byakuya to drop his sword, and Renji to pale and apologize. It was too late, though. "I'm SORRY!"

* * *

While Byakuya did not manage to castrate Renji, he did manage to scare him enough that he was once again wiling to brave the 12th division in hopes of getting home. He cautiously limped up to the building, and knocked on Urahara's office door.

"Um, Urahara-taichou sir? I'm sorry about earlier. Can you please send me home now?" came an uncharacteristically meek voice.

"Hmm?" Renji peeked inside, and wished he hadn't. Urahara was in a corner, making out with Yoruichi. Noisily. It looked like he was eating her face, in fact.

"Gaack!" Renji fell over, and knew no more. The last thing he knew was a voice:

"Yeah, I guess we oughtta send him home. He'll just cause problems here."

Right as he blacked out, Renji remembered one important fact: He'd forgotten to tell anyone about the fact that Aizen was a treacherous, evil bastard. 'Oops...hehe'

* * *

**A/N: **well, I promised I'd get it out tonight, so here it is. Just for the info, Renji will be back to the future next chapter. And the only reason Renji didn't actually get castrated is because **Urza's Avenger**, my co-author, told me I couldn't. Sigh...

And, yes. Byakuya is OOC. But we've only seen him once as a kid, and he was an obnoxious little dick. Even Ukitake had a bad word to say about him, and that takes a lot. And yes, I think he went gay after Hisana died. What else explains him?


	9. In Which there is Fire

**A/N: **I am so sorry for the long wait for updates! I thought I'd have more time to write after school got out, but I forgot to factor in my two jobs. Thanks for your patience, and I hope this chapter's up to snuff, considering 3am's the only time I have to write anymore...

Last chapter was all Bleach characters.

This chapter will not be a mystery. I dedicate it to the *sob* recently completed FMA. At least the manga ended better than the first anime did. No freaking nazis this time...

And, yeah. I own nothing. Except for my manga collection and a rather cool State Alchemist pocket-watch. =P

(Warning for language. Renji's a bit pissed off. )

* * *

_Snap._

**FOOM!**

"The movement I saw was five degrees to the left, sir."

"Hm. Thank you, Lieutenant. Let's try this again, shall we?"

_Snap._**FOOM!**

Renji awoke to the rather terrifying sight of a massive fireball erupting, about six inches from his face. Rather than sitting up, he decided to take the wiser(?) course of action, and stay where he was. This proved to be a very bad idea, however, as the next flame bloomed, this time setting his socks and sandals on fire. Screeching, he jumped up.

_Snap._ **FOOM!** "Did I get whatever that was, Lieutenant?"

"Yes sir. It appeared to be a person, but we'll probably have a hard time telling, now."

"Well, at least I haven't entirely lost my touch. I really hope whoever that was died quickly..." The male voice lost some of its authority, here, gaining a sheepish tone, if one had the training and experience to hear it. Renji did not.

"What the hell? You fucking set me on fucking fire and THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? you fucking bastard!"

"Hm. Sounds like Fullmetal, in his choice of words, anyway. But if he really is alive after that, he must be a Homunclus that we missed. Oh well."

_Snap._ **FOOM!**

"GOD DAMNIT STOP SETING ME ON FIRE! I AM NOT A FUCKING HOMUNCU-WHATSIT!" This earned Renji a pause.

"... Homuncu... whatsit? Seriously? Who are you? You don't die when I set you on fire, but you act like you've never heard of Homunculi. So who, or perhaps what, are you?"

"I'm PISSED, is what I am. I wake up, Urahara-knows-where, to a fireball six inches from my nose. Than my feet burst into flame, and now you're name-calling! You bastard, can't you see that I'm not a homo-whatever? I'm a freaking Shinigami! Now lay off, Bastard!" Renji's outburst earned him nothing whatsoever from the bastard arsonist, but his rather pretty blonde companion was a different story.

**BANG.** Renji heard a loud, sharp crack, then a tiny piece of metal came screaming through the air towards his head. He tried to dodge, and ended up having to Shunpo to get away.

"Lieutenant?" The arsonist asked.

"Just watching your back, sir. Like always. And I know you hate being called Bastard."

"Eh. Fullmetal does it so much I'm pretty much immune now. Besides, I know people who deserve that title much more. Like that brat, Pride."

"I fully agree, but wait a minute, sir. He's not dead." The blonde 'Lieutenant' had finally noticed the absence of Renji's bleeding corpse.

"What, you missed?" came the incredulous reply. "I have an excuse, Lieutenant. I am blind. Are you?

"No, sir."

Renji listened to them talk, then took pity (not much) on the confused duo. "Over here," he called from a few meters in to the forest. "I'll come out and talk if you promise not to attack again."

"Fine. You interest me, not-homunculus."

"I told you already, I'm a Shinigami."

"Shinigami are not real. I am a scientist, and do not believe in gods. Any kind of gods."

"Well, too freaking bad. 'Cuz I'm a Shinigami." Suddenly, Renji stopped. He noticed a pain on his forehead that had been nagging at him for the past few minutes, but he couldn't tell what it was. "Whatever. Can you take me somewhere I can get cleaned up? I'm not a Homunculus and I won't attack you."

"Fine."

* * *

Renji was taken out of the woods, towards a city that looked like it had just been through a war. He commented on this fact, and was informed that yes, it had just been through a war. Against extremely powerful and nearly-impossible-to-kill monsters, led by someone with a major god-complex. This gave Renji a rather bad case of deja-vu, and it was at that point that he shut up, trying once again to guess what the burning feeling on his forehead was.

"God. Fucking. Damn it. No way. He must have planned this. URAHARAAA!" Renji was looking into a mirror, and had finally discovered the source of the burning sensation. Stuck to his forehead was a mass of black, molten plastic, with a couple of round chrome smudges. "How did I even have these in the first place? He fucking planned this. Somehow. BASTARD!"

Suddenly, Renji's shouts were interrupted again, by an unwelcome, but at least familiar person. "You!"

"You!" was the equally startled reply. "What is the pineapple doing here? You didn't come to take revenge about the sunglasses, did you? They really DID look better when I finished with them." The golden-haired midget from the start of Renji's misadventure had stormed into the room, hoping to find the source of all the noise and make it stop. Renji noticed immediately that while it had only been a few months since they met in the street, the boy looked MUCH older around the eyes, if not any bigger in body.

Renji was too tired, sore and deptessed to really be angry. "Oh, fuck the glasses, and fuck you too... Hold on, never mind that last!" (Renji's brain had, at this point, begun to work. He had seen this boy in Karakura, and he was seeing him here. So theoretically, the golden brat should know how to get Renji home... was the thought in the much-abused readhead's head)

"How did you get back here from where we met? Can you tell me how to get home? Pleeease?" (Renji's brain had apparently turned back off, because his attempt to copy Rukia's puppy eyes was decidedly less inspired than his previous bright ideas.)

"GAHH! Yes, but only if you do two things. One, get that horrible grimace off of your face before I smash it in. Two, explain to me why Colonel Bastard thinks you're a Homunculus. And why it looks like he set you on fire to test that theory."

"I don't know why the blind maniacal arsonist thinks I'm a homo, but it looks like he set me on fire because he DID set me on fire. Three times. And then his bitch tried to shoot me."

"Ho-.. ho- homo?" The blond midget fell to the floor, rolling around and laughing hard enough to break ribs. Homo! That's rich! Well, you obviously aren't a homunculus, which means that Colonel Bastard tried to blow you up for no good reason. Meaning that you just made my day! Usually it's me he tries to set on fire. Alright, follow me, I've got a map back to Japan."

* * *

_'Hmm... was that a little too easy?' _thought Renji as he took his leave of the crazy blonde midget. Then he remembered the molten Oakleys still stuck to his forehead, as well as the multiple burns covering his body and what was left of his clothing. So, Renji spent the next few weeks following the kid's map back to Japan, trying to come up with a plot dastardly enough to get Urahara back. 'I'm not devious enough for this,' was his final decision. 'I'll get Gin to help me. He may be a treacherous, evil bastard, but I know Matsumoto's still got him on speed dial...And that fucking mad scientist deserves what's coming to him.'

At that exact moment, Urahara broke into a violent sneezing fit, rendering all of Renji's plots pointless. Tessai's 'Alternative Medicines' came through once again, and by the time the fuming (both literally and figuratively) Shinigami reached the store, the exiled former captain was so miserable that even Renji took pity on him. He then left for Sereitei and home, hoping to get cleaned up and catch up on his sleep. Only to be met, once again, by his (usually) impassive captain.

"So Renji, do you still think that I'm gay? Shire, Senbonzakura."

_'Oh, shit. Not again...'_

_

* * *

_

**A/N: **Blind or not, Mustang is badass. There is no denying it._  
_


	10. In Which there is a Conflagration

A/N: (Adele365) This chapter is by my co-author, so the following is his author's note. I added some bits in _italics, _but mostly it's all his._  
_

Hello!

This is Urza's Avenger! The co-author that you have never met before this chapter! But, since I came up with, and wrote, this chapter, you get an author's note from me instead! Hooray!

Anyway, you can probably expect me to be showing up some more in the future, as I actually have time to help write now. _(Which is good, because I have two jobs now and I don't have as much time...)_

All other points aside, here is something you should know: I do not expect anyone to ever get every single character reference that I have place in this chapter. I went a bit overboard, so, I will post a guide later on telling you who just the people in this chapter are. _(Yeah... even I didn't get them all.)_

If you can correctly identify everyone in here, and their respective source material, that means that you spend as much time as I do reading books, manga, fan fiction, and watching anime. That would scare me a bit. Even Adele365 shouldn't be able to identify all of these people. If you can, I'll send you a cake or something. _(make that two...)_

Oh, and **StrictlySomething **and **EspeonSilverfire2**. I appreciate our two constant reviewers. _(Ditto!)_

And the new guy _(girl)_, **FallenAngel6595** we like you too. Yeah! Three reviewers, Baby!

Okay. Ignore all of that. Here is the story! (or at least the chapter)

_By the way, we still don't own anything. Hell, some of this is even from other fanfics (individual disclaimers for those at the end)_

* * *

_Do you feel as if you lack something?_

_Do you feel like the author his forgotten about you?_

_Do you need something new to increase you score in the character popularity contests?_

_You need lessons in Badassity!_

_Classes starting now!_

_District 49, southeast corner of This Way and That Way_

Renji stared at the strange ad posted outside the seventh division barracks. He stared at it some more. And for about another hour, he continued to stare at it.

Eventually, Renji realized that this ad was meant for him. He knew he lacked something! And he was pretty sure that Kubo had forgotten about him. In fact, he knew he hadn't shown up in over a hundred chapters!

* * *

Renji was sneaking through the 49th district incognito, which really just meant that he had undone his hair tie and put on civilian clothes. Oh, and he had a pair of contraband sunglasses that he had snuck past his captain. Really, just about anyone could still recognize him because of his tattoo-eyebrows, but Renji thought that his disguise was genus. It wasn't, but no one bothered to tell him.

He silently entered the building at the corner of This Way and That Way, and took a seat among the various cast of characters that had arrived in an attempt to increase their self-confidence.

Renji didn't recognize anyone; which he thought was a good thing. No one had shown up yet to run the seminar, and Renji suddenly realized that he had no idea who ran this thing. He hoped it wouldn't be his captain.

"Psst, Renji!"

"What?"

"Behind you, Renji!"

"Huh...wait, is that you, Izuru?"

Izuru's disguise was no less ingenious that Renji's all he had done was put his hair into a ponytail, and moved his front flop to the other side.

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be filling out Gin's old paperwork?"

"I could ask the same question..."

At that point, they halted their conversation, as what appeared to be the instructors walked in through the far door.

The first one was armed to the teeth. He wore a dark grey cloak over his outfit, but, honestly, nobody noticed the clothes. The visible armaments of the man were impressive, to say the least. He had seventeen throwing knives, three wakizashi, five tanto, thirty-six poisoned darts, four daggers with poison, six without, two short swords, a throwing axe, and a black bladed broadsword strapped across his back. The man wasn't very large, but had the musculature that gave Renji the impression that he could give Zaraki, or at least Ikkaku, a run for his money.

The other man was more familiar. It took a minute for Renji to place the man, but that faded blue police uniform was unmistakable. It was the stabby-guy from his last time-traveling adventure! Renji lowered his head, and hoped to god (which one? And does he even have a god?) that the man didn't recognize him. At least he was armed with only one katana, unlike the other guy.

The first man waited for the group to notice his presence, and then he spoke up.

"You may call me Master Tulii. I am here for one thing. I am going to teach you how to be Badass (you could hear the capital letter). I assume that you are all useless and incompetent, and that is why you are here. Actually, I am here for a second reason. The author decided to include me, even though I don't even belong to the associated mangaverse..."

"The first step to being Badass is being good at something. We will take Mr. Hajime here as an example." He motioned to his assistant. "Mr. Hajime only knows one sword technique, but he was one of the most feared swordsmen in Japan. Proceed, Mr. Hajime."

Hajime did just that. He stabbed a hole through the wall, and as the rubble fell from the blast, most of the class clapped and otherwise was in awe. Only Renji and Izuru were immune to the destruction.

"I have seen that before..."

"Captain Gin could stab things too..."

* * *

The class continued, and there were some enlightening points, but Renji soon realized he was in a beginner class. He know how to become Badass, but he lacked the ability at his current skill level. But, the building soon came crashing down (quite literally) when the superiors of the useless and incompetent arrived on the scene.

The first interruption was most unexpected. The front door flew out of the frame, and hit several of the attendees in the audience.

"Yamazaki! What the hell are you doing?" He stepped forward, and withdrew a young man from the crowd, throwing him over his shoulder.

Several men wearing the same black and gold dress uniform stormed in after him with swords drawn. One of them stopped, and whispered in the yelling one's ear.

"Sir, you forgot the script!"

"Oh, right... This is a raid! We are the Shinsengumi!"

Hajime dropped his cigarette on stage, and calmly spoke. "Hey, that's my line."

The commanding officered turned and looked at the stage. "Is that you, Hajime?"

"Toshi?"

"Don't call me-"

**BOOM!**

The east wall of the building had just exploded.

"Hijikata-san? Hijikata-san? Are you still alive?"

"Yes I am, You Invertebrate!"

"Was that Okita?"

"Yes..."

* * *

After the mad policeman blew a hole in the side of the building with a bazooka, things just went to hell in a hand basket. Master "Tulii" just grabbed the closest disposable bystander, slit his throat, and escaped.

At that point, a samurai with naturally wavy silver hair, the eyes of a dead fish, and a wooden sword walked down the street shouting, "Zura! Zura! Where are you?" We won't ask why. It was probably an exceptionally furry plot bunny.

But, the random monk that had been sitting in the corner of the classroom suddenly stood up, threw off his hat, and declared to the world, "It's not Zura! It's Katsura!"

Needless to say, this attracted the attention of the Shinsengumi. Okita reloaded his bazooka and fired a shell at the not-really-a-monk-more-of-a-terrorist. Of course, he missed just enough that Katsura was not critically wounded, cause we can't have characters dying in the story.

Anyway, the rest of the Shinsengumi charged after Katsura with their swords, and he was joined by his partner Elizabeth in his regular flight to freedom.

Now that the mad swordsmen were all gone, the rest of the attendees tried to escape the grounds. Most were not very lucky.

* * *

A blonde man smoking a cigarette wheeled himself away from the building as fast as possible. (Yes, he was in a wheelchair. Isn't it obvious from the verb usage?) But, he came to a stop in the alley, when a dark haired man in a familiar blue uniform walked up in front of him.

"Havoc. What are you doing?"

"Nothing sir!"

"Don't give me that kind of excuse. If this happens again, I will melt you to your wheelchair. Understand?"

"Y-Yes Sir!"

* * *

A grey haired teenager was fleeing the scene, and, as he pushed his glasses up, he wished that his master would not find him.

Wish not granted.

"Kukukukuku... Kabuto, you know I don't appreciate betrayal. Kukuku..."

-Gulp-

"Kukukuku... You do realize that you will now have to play twister with me when we return to the secret lair. Kukukuku..."*

* * *

A young martial artist jumped down from a third story window, and landed perfectly on top of a young man in a blue kimono with a wooden sword.

"Ah, so you finally realize your ineptitude? Eh, Kuno?"

"Fool! I am Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furikan High! I am not Inept!"

"Right... just keep telling yourself that... Oh! Hey there, P-chan!"

* * *

It was now three minutes into the incident, and a couple walked down the street, and suddenly stopped when they realized the were in the middle of what looked like the aftermath of a terrorist attack. Actually, that wasn't very far from the truth. There had been a terrorist, but he hadn't caused most of the problems...

They both had silvery-blond hair, and the same silver eyes. Strangely enough, the man's hair reached past his shoulders, and the woman had less than three inches of hair. Oh well... Hippies. What can you do?

The man was also carrying a baby that wasn't his, but his neighbor had to go to a Tupperware party, and she had dropped the baby on him. Again. For God's sake! He was a flesh eating immortal monster and he was stuck babysitting. Again. Okay... Maybe he isn't a hippie.

But they both watched in fascination as another woman with silver hair and silver eyes ran past. She had a long braid, and ears that looked like she was some demented Lord of the Rings fan. She was also wielding a six-foot claymore one handed.

"Rambo!" she screamed as she plowed straight through a group of disposable bystanders, and continued directly through a wall, bringing the building down behind her.

"Why is Ophelia here?"

"You know, that's a good question. But, we are leaving right now before we get arrested for simply knowing her."

"I completely agree with you."**

* * *

Captain Zaraki was stealthily watching the entire scene from the top of one of the few standing buildings. Actually, Zaraki doesn't do stealth. Really, it was just that he hadn't tried to disembowel anyone yet, and the people on the ground were more concerned with those who were.

Particularly, they were concerned with the golden trio of destruction. Most people don't survive very long when Sougo Okita, Roy Mustang, and Ophelia decide to level a city.

But, anyway, Zaraki was deeply immersed in thought. No, wait, that's wrong. Zaraki never immerses himself in thought. He was simply voicing the first idea that came to mind.

"I need to get that girl for our division. She is just perfect for our squad. And besides, I need a fourth seat."

The pink haired wonder on his shoulder took this opportunity to speak up. "That's a great idea, Kenny!"

* * *

A young girl with dark green hair put up in the most obscure hairstyle ever, was also fleeing the scene.

"Oh my God! There are crazy Elevens back there destroying everything!"

She looked like she was about to faint.

But, she was saved (sort of) when a (different) man with wavy silver hair and a lab coat walked up behind her.

"Nina, why were you attending a seminar for incompetent people? You built your first WMD at age sixteen in the basement of you high school!"

* * *

A elderly, but not ancient, woman in a flowing green robe, and a matching pointy hat, walk in through the commotion, and grabbed a young redhead by the ear, and continued dragging him behind her as she left the premises.

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Weasley."

* * *

"Izuru, what are you doing?"

"AH! C-Captain G-Gin! W-What are y-you d-d-doing here!" (wasn't he supposed to be with Aizen in Hueco Mundo?)

"Nothing, just heard the commotion, and thought I come would see what's going on."

"You think this is just a 'commotion'?"

Gin watched the activities of the other foolish souls present, and finally made up his mind when a gout of flame erupted from a group of disposable bystanders.

"No, it's more of a conflagration"

* * *

Renji had escaped! He was currently running across the rooftops at top speed, hoping to flee the area before his captain learned of the commotion. Actually, it was more of a conflagration, cause that one dude with a bazooka was still blowing things up, and that guy from last time was incinerating anything that could be considered evidence. And the crazy chick with a broadsword. Yeah... Together, they had leveled three city blocks in about five and a half minutes.

But, Renji stopped as he heard footsteps behind him, and heard the exact words he had not wanted to hear.

"Shire, Senbonzakura."

* * *

*credit to OmniStrife, of Youtube. Go watch Fun with the Akatsuki.

* * *

**credit for this whole section goes to UsefulOxymoron, of Fan Fiction, and he story Life Sucks. The setting for the characters does, at least. And the fact that Ophelia knows who Rambo is. Isn't that a scary thought...

**A/N:** (Adele365) ...Like I said, even I don't get all of these. Most of them, but still... Also, UA's out of town... I'm gonna put what I can on my profile in the list, and get him to fill me in on the ones I don't know when he gets back...


	11. In Which the story Returns from the Dead

**A/N: Sorry guys! Senior year of high school kind of ate our lives, but it's summer again, so I will try to update a little bit before Freshman year of Uni eats them again… (Don't consider that a promise though, I'm bad at keeping those…)**

The character list of DOOM from the last chapter:

Renji, Kira Izuru, Gin, Zaraki, Yachiru, Byakuya- Bleach

Master Tulii (AKA Durzo Blint)- Dark Angel Trilogy by Brent Weeks (book)

Saito Hajime, formerly of the Shinsengumi- Rurouni Kenshin

Yamazaki, Hijikata and Sougo Okita of (a different) Shinsengumi- Gin tama

Zura/Katsura- Gin tama

Havoc and Mustang- Fullmetal Alchemist

Kabuto and Orochimaru- Naruto

Tatawaki Kuno, Saotome Ranma, Ryoga (P-chan)- Ranma 1/2

Isley, Jean, Ophelia- Claymore, with references from Life Sucks, a fanfic by UsefulOxymoron

Nina and Lloyd- Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion

McGonagall and (Ron) Weasley- Harry Potter

* * *

_"Shire, Senbonakura."_

"Shitshitshitshitshit SORRY Taicho! But I wasn't buying sunglasses, so what did I do wrong this time?" Renji's yells could be heard even over the conflagration of mass destruction consuming most of Rukongai at that point.

"You called me gay. And Senbonzakura still wants to castrate you."

"But, but, but that was 120 years ago! I'm sorry. Really though, why?"

"I'm bored. The author has had us on hiatus for more than a year, and our manga has gone to the dogs. I am sending you on a mission to retrieve the author's muse from Hiatusland. (cue Mission Impossible theme music)

"Seriously? Are you just trying to get rid of me? No one comes back from hiatusland! You might as well just send me to hell…"

"That is where you will go, if you don't retrieve the muse. Now go, before I give Senbonzakura what he wants."

*squeak* "Yessir."

And so began Renji's next and greatest adventure to the FInal Frontier, where No Man Has Gone Before…

* * *

"CUT! Wrong line from the wrong show, people! Plenty of men GO to hiatusland. None return, is all."

"The FUCK? Is my internal monologue talking back to me?"

"Who you calling a monologue, bub? You want a monologue, you must be the wrong kinda Shinigami. My buddy Ryuk's got connections, if you're looking for a Dramatic Internal Monologue!"

"Um, okay. Soo… who are you then?"

"Ooh, I'm just…your target! I am the MUSE! (cue 'Supermassive Black Hole' by MUSE) You'll never find me!"

* * *

At this point, Byakuya and Urahara got tired of listening to Renji talk to himself, and shoved him through a swirly portal of doom, hopefully never to be seen again(though Urahara with his SOD knew it wouldn't last…). Then they began the tedious process of having other people rebuild the blown up, melted, and overall ruined Rukongai. Perhaps they should have waited to get rid of the pineapple, then they would have had one more manual laborer…

* * *

**Tee hee, filler chapter! I'm hoping this will get my partner off his butt and make him send me the chapters he has on his hard drive *cough*hint*cough***

**Seriously though, this was written at 2:30am while not really watching Hellraiser 8, not to mention unbetaed. So sorry about the length and quality.  
**


End file.
